My heart has never known so much pain

As I sit here at my computer, I cannot help but wonder what went wrong. How we get to this place?  The guilt that I feel is immeasurable. I cannot help think , if only I had not sent him to Orlando. If only I had allowed him to come home. If only, I was observant of his needs. He wanted to come home before all of this started. He wasn’t happy. I should have listened to him. I should listened to him.

I now understand how a person can become obsessed about something. I understand because I am now that person.

Every available moment I am looking for something on the internet. Looking for anything that could help my child. Grasping at any straw of hope. Praying for justice in an unjust arena.

I am looking for anything to right this wrong. The wrong of the judicial system and the wrong of a mother for not being more of a supportive parent.

How does one live with this agony? How does one live with this guilt? How does one live with so much pain?


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